Higher Than Your Heart
by K. East
Summary: Lily was Head Girl. She was also a nicotine addict. James was Head Boy. He was drunk almost every night. What was behind their lives as the perfect pair? LJ
1. prologue

Higher Than Your Heart

Prologue

_You might notice some hesitation  
Cause what's important to you is not important to me  
Way down by the edge of your reasons  
It's beginning to show  
And all I wanna know is..._

_Where'd all the good people go_

Good People

_Jack Johnson_

They say nicotine is so addictive because it bonds almost perfectly with human blood. Nicotine is more powerful than anything else, really. It can take over someone's life as quickly and easily as they can light up a cigarette… and no one will notice.

Lily didn't really contemplate this much as she sat in the courtyard, puffing away. Lily Evans was seventeen: red hair, green eyes, great grades, perfect figure, and Head Girl to boot; but a dedicated smoker.

No one knew, of course, but her very close friends. Most people assumed she was a goody two-shoes, the know-it-all of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry.

She wasn't, of course, and that's where this story begins: with Lily sitting on a bench in the lonely courtyard. All the other students were inside, enjoying escape from the frost and snow. Well, almost all.

"You'll get caught," someone reprimanded, tugging the cigarette from her lips. She started a bit, mentally cursing her oblivion to him approaching behind her. The smoke fizzled out in the snow as a booted toe crushed it.

"That was my last fag," she said demurely, watching the rolled paper grow sodden, then black. "Thanks a lot."

"Sorry," said he, settling on the bench beside her. He was James Potter: the son of a wealthy family, and he looked it – black hair, brown eyes framed by wire spectacles, and an exceptionally elegant Grekko-Roman nose. He kept about an air of fineness, even when he was acting completely immature. "I'll buy you a new pack, how about? Though I didn't even know you smoked."

"Do you?" she asked, curious. Despite a long-standing acquaintance which remained on good terms, she didn't know much about him.

"No." He grimaced. "I tried one. Most disgusting thing I've ever experienced, really."

"You must've had a bad brand." Lily twiddled her thumbs. "Hey, you won't mention this to anyone, will you? I don't want it to get back to Dumbledore that his Head Girl's a nic addict."

"Nah." James stood and brushed himself off. "Who nowadays doesn't do something like that, anyway?" He paused. "Coming back in?"

"Yeah."


	2. chapter one

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter One

_I heard this old story before  
Where the people keep on killing for their metaphors  
But don't leave much up to the imagination  
So I want to give this imagery back  
But I know it just ain't so easy like that  
So I turn the page and read the story again and again and again  
It sure seems the same with a different name_

Never Know

_Jack Johnson_

Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry was a naturally busy place, boasting around one thousand students ages eleven to seventeen. There were exactly 34 seventh-year students in Gryffindor, Lily's house. As a result, they were all placed in similar schedules and she knew everyone quite well.

Among her closest friends was Alice Longbottom, a dusty-cheeked girl with a curvaceous figure. Lily often expressed deep envy for this, as well as Alice's fine, brown hair.

Besides Alice, Lily was very fond of Marlene McKinnon, with whom she hadn't really hit it off until early in their sixth year. She couldn't be described as pretty, exactly: however, Marlene definitely had an elegant and earnest look about her that drew people in like moths to a lamp… or, as Marlene put it, "Flies to a pile of shit." Marlene was decidedly fond of swearing.

They were her closest ring of friend, and besides that _everyone_ liked her – well, nearly everyone. Not much could be said for a particular few Slytherin boys, Avery and Mulciber.

Lily was just settling in to lunch on that third day of school when the aforementioned boys tumbled into the Great Hall, laughing. After them came Sirius Black and James Potter, the former swinging his fists wildly while the latter fumbled madly in his pockets. Truly, the scene was distracting enough that even the teacher looked concerned. Lily, however, got there first.

What she first did was swipe James's magic wand away from Mulciber, with the other hand shoving Sirius into a bench (the Hufflepuffs there parted, looking quite surprised). In a second, fluid motion she seized a disheveled James y the back of his uniformed robes and sent both the Slytherins a glare frightening enough to make them skitter off, towards their housemates.

"Run it past me, Potter," she said very calmly. James said something unintelligible. Alcohol floated off his breath.

"Oh _God_," she said, half inclined to roll her eyes. It was disgraceful, actually. Pissed in the middle of the day, and fighting without a doubt.

"Hey," James said, not bothering to free himself from her grip. "I know what _you're_ thinkin'. An' jus' because I'm drunk doesn't make me an acliholic."

"You mean alcoholic," Lily corrected, unable to stop herself. It was at this time – James just opening his mouth to reply, when McGonagall, headmistress and leader of Gryffindor, made an appearance.

"Miss Evans, do you have the situation under control?"

She contemplated telling McGonagall that James had been drinking, but an image of him plucking the cigarette from her lips was enough to stop her. "Yes, Professor. James here took a punch to the mouth. I think his lip's swollen." James, hearing this, appropriately closed his mouth and nodded. It was a good story.

"Get him some ice," McGonagall told her. "Thank you for handling the situation. Mr. Potter, this is not what I would expect from the Head Boy. Detention for fighting, my office, eight."

"My job," Lily said feebly as the professor walked away. She turned her attention to James. "Now what to do about you?"

"I'm fine," he hiccupped. "Jus' lemme go back to the common room, alright?"

"I can't believe I'm doing this," Lily said out loud. "But come on. Your speech hasn't even cleared up and who knows how bad your coordination is. I'll bring you back."

"You'll miss lunch."

"I would've anyway, you know. No appetite."

"Too bad," James mumbled, leaning on Lily's shoulder.


	3. chapter two

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Two

_Gotta get these things one day  
Till then do another line you know  
Searching for that other high  
Stop or I gotta steal then steal  
Kill or I'm gonna be killed_

Someday

_Flipsyde_

Despite Lily's attempt to hide the cause of the recent incident at lunch, by the end of the week everyone in their year was aware that James could not hold his liquor. It was especially fast-spreading because he was the captain of Gryffindor's quidditch team, the only sport the school really supported. There was a small uproar among the team about whether he should remain captain.

Feeling slightly guilty – though she hadn't really done anything wrong – Lily made a quick attempt to console him by waiting through the team's next practice.

The team of seven boys, all on brooms, had been flying for the past hour, running drills under the direction of their captain. Now they landed, all headed off eagerly to the locker room but James, who had spotted Lily's red hair from a distance and decided to talk.

"Hey," he said breathlessly, removing his mud-spattered goggles. "How are you?"

"Fine, I suppose." It was marvelous how he could keep up a good attitude even while being slandered. Lily would never be capable of that kind of tolerance. "How're things for you?"

"Well, life's a bitch," he admitted, wiping sweat off his forehead. "But I manage."

"I'm sorry for that."

"I'm surprised it didn't get out earlier. As soon as I turned seventeen the four of us hit the pubs." By _the four of us_, he was, of course, referring to himself and his three best friends. "Peter is notoriously bad at keeping his mouth shut."

Lily managed a smile at this. "Listen… you probably want to get changed. I'll leave you to that, okay?"

"See you later," he said, sounding a bit disappointed.

Lily smiled again in response.


	4. chapter three

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Three

_I know you're still just a dream  
__Your eyes might be green  
__Or the bluest that I've ever seen  
__Anyway you'll be blessed_

Blessed

_Elton John_

This was the last thing the Head Girl would expect to find in the first-floor corridor at ten-o-clock at night.

Generally, Lily was guaranteed to find at least one or two people out after hours. Couples were worst. They'd hear her coming and try to run, of all things. It usually ended in a chaotic game of hide-and-seek.

Staring down at James, however, she contemplated that this was the weirdest thing she'd seen. Four hours ago, he and the Hufflepuff quidditch captain were shaking hands to begin the first match of the year. Now, he was simply _drunk_.

"Shameful," Lily muttered, grimacing as she pulled him to his feet. "Can't you at least stay inside your dorm to get wasted?"

"Nope." He took a few steps, stumbled, and grabbed Lily's shoulder, nearly bringing her down with him.

"Come on, you need to sober up."

"I'm _not_ drunk." The alcohol, heavy on his breath, said otherwise. "Lily. Lily. Liiily."

Lily, still steadying him with one hand, said, "My shift isn't over until ten. Let's walk. Fresh air will bring back your senses." She pushed a little on his shoulder, and willingly he headed off in that direction.

They walked side-by-side for some time, James's coordination proving to be scrambled several times – as well as speech. But still, Lily mused, it wasn't bad. She actually felt like a good samaritan, helping him sober up.

"So," Lily started, "would it even be worth asking how you got in this condition?"

James hiccupped. "Sirius."

"Care to elaborate?"

"It was Sirius's," he explained. "Alc'lhol, I mean. Me and him were slammin' shots."

"Any particular reason why?" She tilted her head to one side and shoved her hands in her pockets. It was cool, being a fall night, and she was already feeling a little uneasy. Tuesday shifts were the worst, because she had early choir practice in the morning and sleep was essential.

James didn't notice that slight pause in the conversation. In fact, he seemed perfectly comfortable with the situation. "Well, we though' it might be fun. Bu' you know how it is. I says to him, 'Paddy.'" He took a deep breath. "'_Paddy_. Slamming shots is no good.' And _he_ says, 'Well, if you say so.' I did say so! So we stopped. An' still there's five or so down my throat."

"You had five shots of liquor?" Lily exclaimed. "Now wonder you're out of it."

"Oh, no," James replied. "I can't even drink one beer, or…" he waved his hands wildly as if to illustrate intoxication. Lily nodded.

They had come upon the Great Hall, very large and lonely feeling – partially because of the emptiness of the place, partially because of the darkness. The enchanted ceiling twinkled with stars in the black sky.

James settled in one of the teachers' chairs and took a deep breath, shuddering as he did so. Lily settled next to him, and they sat for a few minutes in companionable silence.

"I think the walk's cleaned me up a bit," he said. Lily's lips quirked into a little smile. Both stood.

"You'd better get back to the tower, then," she said, but was abruptly cut off by a pair of lips against hers.

It was meant to be chaste, but Lily found herself responding with enthusiasm. James wasn't an extraordinary kisser, but he definitely fit in the "above average" category. She contemplated this as his hands slid along her jaw and hers grasped his shoulders firmly. He pulled back, mouth slightly open.

"Wow," he whispered before moving closer for another kiss – but the girl turned her head away.

"My – my shift is over," she said breathlessly," and broke away from his embrace. "Sorry."

"It's alright. We can stay, or go back to the common room," he suggested, but she just made a vague noise and fumbled through her pockets. _Damn_. He had taken her last cigarette nearly two weeks ago, and she hadn't had a chance to buy a new pack for awhile.

"You owe me a smoke," she grumbled. He looked quite put off; it wasn't at all the response he was looking for.

"Lily –"

"I'm going to the tower now," she informed him, walking away.


	5. chapter four

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Four

_'I don't love you' is like a stake  
Being driven through your heart  
__  
But I don't care  
I came back for you  
Love is cruel, but I don't care  
I wanted you, and I'm cold_

Cold

_Elton John_

Lily woke in a considerably bad mood that morning. To be fair, she had only gotten six hours of sleep when she was quite used to eight. As if that were not enough, she had a completely horrible case of dandruff that morning that showed against her dark red hair. It was days like this that put her in a bad mood.

After sufficient primping which significantly improved how she looked, Lily headed into the common room. There, early risers drifted along, some preparing for choir practice while others made last minute changes to their homework.

It was there, too, where James discreetly passed her a pack of cigarettes – which she thanked him heavily for – and kissed her sweetly on the cheek. Lily turned pink while a few of the boys whistled appreciatively.

Later, at choir practice, Lily was confronted by Melinda Hopkins, a fragile-looking girl with strawberry-blonde hair and soft blue eyes which won just about every teacher over.

"So," she began in that lilting voice, "are you going out with James?"

She always got straight to the point.

"Not that I know of," Lily said, raising her eyebrows. "Why?"

"Oh," Melinda replied. "You two would make such a lovely couple. Head Boy and Head Girl together – could it be better?"

"I supposed you've a point," Lily admitted. "But neither is really interested in the other, and it would just be a fling, anyway."

Melinda shrugged. "I heard he kissed you on the cheek this morning. That's real cute."

Lily blushed, but before she could reply, the music began, and she sang.


	6. chapter five

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Five

_Sound of the drums  
Beatin' in my heart  
The thunder of guns  
Tore me apart  
You've been __– thunderstruck_

Thunderstruck

_ACDC_

Tonight was a full-blown party in the Gryffindor tower. The Quidditch team had achieved their first victory of the year: against Slytherin in a come-from-behind victory. Currently, the Seeker who had secured the win was being carried around the common room on James's shoulders. A fifteen year-old girl, she looked positively delighted at this.

"Hi, Lily," both chimed upon the Head Girl's entrance. The girl looked rather proud of herself while James simply looked goofy.

"Should I ask?" Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Nope," James replied as the Seeker disentangled herself and moved back into the crowd. "But _I_ could ask where you've been. You're missing a great party!"

"I'm here now, aren't I?" At James's skeptical glance, she added, "alright, I was outside. For a smoke."

He wrinkled his nose at the idea, but quickly seemed to rearrange his thoughts. "Lily, I need to talk to you."

"You're talking to me."

"Erm, okay." James stuck his hands in his pockets, suddenly unsure. "What did you think about last night?"

Lily stared at him for a second, thinking over what she could say. "What did I _think_?" she repeated. It was probably the weirdest thing someone had said to her in awhile. "You mean how would I _rate_ it?"

"Ah, no," he amended quickly, turning faintly pink. "I mean… what does it mean?"

Lily contemplated him for a moment. She had known the boy for six years thus far, and successfully evaded him for five. They had only really been on good terms since sixth year. And now he was asking if their spontaneous snog _meant_ something! Well, of course it did. It meant he was a randy drunk. Instead of saying this, she challenged, "You tell me."

"Personally," he admitted, "I wouldn't be averse to it happening again. After all, my memory of it is a bit hazy."

"I don't know if I should be flattered or call you a pig." Lily smiled. Fortunately for you, I'm leaning toward the former."

James snorted and opened his mouth to answer but was abruptly stopped by a yell.

"Hey, James!" A boy trotted up to him, perplexed.

This was Sirius Black: son of a wealthy pureblood family – the only one of his family to be in the Gryffindor House at Hogwarts. The rest were all in Slytherin. He was James's best friend.

Sirius also happened to be the most handsome boy in Gryffindor. He stood six feet tall and was lean, though not overly so. Slightly curly brown hair framed his classic face: a straight nose, dark eyes, and smooth smile. He was, as some girls put it, _perfect_.

From the time he first set foot on the Hogwarts Express (a train which took students to and from the school), Sirius had been like a brother to James (though perhaps slightly less arrogant). Now that similarity showed as the former leaned heavily on the latter's shoulder.

"Hey, Si," James said comfortably. "You alright?"

"Yep. Just came over to say hi to Lily here, actually." He winked at Lily, who turned slightly pink. "And to offer my condolences for her having to work with my sap of a best mate."

James laughed, seemingly forgetting the tension he'd created between Lily and himself moments earlier.

"How is your brother, Sirius?" Lily twiddled her thumbs, now less than at ease, if that can be said. "He was looking quite competitive at the match today."

Sirius shrugged. "He's probably sulking over the loss right now."

"Or else celebrating it, which is unlikely," joked the other boy. "Si, did you know Lily and I are going out now?"

"We are?" Lily glanced up at James, bemused, as Sirius whistled appreciatively.

"Hey, you said to tell you," James said under his breath.

"So I did."


	7. chapter six

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Six

_I need to call a doctor for some help  
Dizzy, I'm so dizzy my head is spinning  
like a whirlpool it never ends__  
and it's you girl makin' it spin _

Dizzy

_Tommy Roe_

September morphed into October, and the weather grew more and more unpleasant.

One particularly cold morning, James woke up in a bad mood. He had dreamt of losing a Quidditch match to Ravenclaw (the current second-place team) and his Quidditch dreams tended to come true.

It was bound, he decided, to be a day of Worst Things.

It was, then, no surprise – to his friends, at least – that he showed up slightly intoxicated to his first class. For the most part, one couldn't tell; however, it was evident that the Head Boy was having an off-day.

Second period wasn't better – by that time he had sobered up and now suffered from a headache, the pounding in the temples that accompanies drinking.

"Mr. Potter!" barked the professor, just as James was about to drift off to sleep. "Please answer the question."

"Er…" James glanced down at his book and read the first word he saw. "Tarflys, sir." The class immediately bubbled into noise.

"We're not in Potions anymore," Sirius whispered. "This is Ancient Runes."

James swore.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Potter," the professor replied, though he didn't look at all sorry. "That is not the correct translation. Next time, _pay attention_."

A thin, pale hand shot up amidst the still-chattering masses.

"Miss Evans?" The professor smiled, expression softened.

"Well, Professor, I don't wish to contradict, but…" Lily flipped through her book. "Isn't it fair to say that since the first character is a synonym for night and the second character is the past-progressive of a synonym for 'fly'… well, perhaps James is right for interpreting the word that way?"

The professor stared. "I suppose, Miss Evans, that you may be correct. Five points to Gryffindor."

James was surprised. "She's just _pouring_ shit," he told Sirius. "The first character isn't a synonym for night, it's not even a noun…" and he started flipping furiously through his book, looking for the definition. Sirius simply rolled his eyes and waited for his friend to realize he was still looking at _Potion Preparation for the Advanced Wizard_.

Third period was Divination, which James did not share with any of his friends. There were only six people in N.E.W.T. level; four Hufflepuffs and one Ravenclaw made up the remainder of the class. It passed by without much event (though the professor did ask a _lot_ of questions regarding the quidditch dream).

Fourth period was Transfiguration, which was normally James's favorite class. This was because (a) it was his strongest subject and (b) Lily had agreed to sit next to him. Today, however, his head was pounding from that morning's bourbon and the combined boredom of his previous three classes, and _she_ appeared o be in a bad mood when he walked in.

"Hey." James tossed his bookbag on the floor and plopped into his seat, cradling his head in one hand. "Thanks for bailing me out during Runes."

"No problem," said she – a little tiredly. "I'd kiss you, but I feel like shit right now."

"Cigs?'

"Don't try it," she said under her breath as Professor McGonagall entered the classroom. "Parents don't lie. They really are addictive."

"Do you need to get out of here?" James twiddled her thumbs. "We can ditch and leave our stuff here. I'll tell McGonagall it was my idea so you won't get in trouble."

"Please."

He smiled. "I'll go first. After I leave, use some other excuse to get out." James raised his hand, looking quite innocent (despite his history of being the opposite). "Professor? I left my textbook in the common room."

"Well, run back and get it," McGonagall told him sharply. She was effectively falling for James's faked embarrassment and anxiety. Even to Lily, who knew what her boyfriend was pulling, he looked completely serious.

James nodded and hopped out of his chair. "Thanks, Professor!" he called as he fled the classroom.

James waited down the corridor for Lily. Ten minutes later, she emerged, grinning a bit.

"I told her I had to use the toilet," she said breathlessly.

"You have to be kidding me. That's the most obvious lie in the world. I can't even get away with it."

"That's because you're a boy." Lily shrugged. "Girls, we just put on big eyes and sit it's an _emergency_ in that special inflection that means 'girl thing'. Bam! Instant excuse, and they _can't say no_."

James said nothing, but felt very underprivileged suddenly.

"Let's go outside so I can have a smoke," Lily said, making an abrupt move for the stairs.

"Astronomy tower?"

"Damn right."

The made their way to the top of the tower in silence. Fortunately for James and Lily, the tower was only used on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Once there, Lily lit up a cigarette and placed it between her lips, sucking the smoke like drink through a straw. James watched in fascination as she visibly relaxed.

"You make it look too good," he told her. Lily frowned.

"It's crap, James. I wish I were never this dependent on something." She stared over the wall towards the Scottish hills, lit in the afternoon light. "I want to jump off," she said, nodding to the wall. "Is that strange?"

James contemplated this. "No," he said finally. "I wonder what it's like all the time."

James put his arm around Lily's shoulder, plucked the cigarette from her fingers, and kissed her. She returned it, and for a moment everything was alright.

_I will sing you faraway  
__Love is here tonight  
__Most of us are sad  
__I've been shadows of myself  
__How was I to know?_

Most of Us Are Sad

_The Eagles_

"We need to get back to the Great Hall," James said quietly. He had Lily had been watching the sky for a good fifteen minutes on the top of the Astronomy tower. "Lunch is in eight minutes."

"Fine." Lily smiled at him, feeling unbelievably corny yet just… happy.

When they made it to the Great Hall, the first people were filing in for lunch. As they passed, heads turned. Some snickered and others even glared. Sirius, unfazed by this, was waiting there with both James and Lily's possessions.

"Thanks, Si." Sirius just turned away with a grumpy expression, attacking his fried chicken as if it had done him a personal wrong.

"What's _his_ problem?" James whispered lowly to Remus Lupin.

Now, I must introduce Remus Lupin. He was another good friend of James, though not quite as close as Sirius. He was a plain-looking boy, with medium-brown hair and brown eyes. The only thing unusual about him was a scar that cut through his left eyebrow, effectively splitting it in half.

He and Peter Pettigrew, an overfat boy with a mousy face, were considered by most to be tag-alongs of James and Sirius, but in reality they were actually quite a close group.

Remus was not wont to pick sides, but he didn't have to – on this occasion, anyway. As soon as he opened his mouth, Sirius answered.

"Well, it certainly isn't the fact that you ditched class without telling me, or that you've spent the last week tailing your girlfriend, barely even talking to us." Sirius stood up. "You know, that I can forgive. But I've never thought you would actually rat us out."

James tilted his head. "What are you on about?"

"Don't be a prick. You know what you did."

"No, I really don't." James said loudly, turning slightly pink. Whether it was from confusion, embarrassment, or anger, he didn't know. Everything was in the background now. What was Sirius accusing him of?

"Bask in your glory," Sirius snapped. He pulled something from his pocket and tossed it on the table before exiting the Great Hall, clearly in a fury.

A minute passed in silence before James closed his mouth and picked up the paper Sirius had so _generously_ given him. He unfolded it to find the back page of the Daily Prophet, a local wizarding newspaper.

It suddenly occurred to James that people hadn't been staring at Lily and him as they entered. In fact, they were just staring at _him_ – and Sirius, and Remus, and Peter. They still stared right now; some looked curious, most looked suspicious, and a few (mostly Slytherins, unfortunately) were positively livid. James thought he might heave up his breakfast there and the.

For the back page of the Daily Prophet, which everyone read last, was topped in neatly typed letters:

W E R E W O L F A T H O G W A R T S ?

There was a picture of the four friends, laughing and leaning on each other.

And _that_ was the Worst Thing of all.


	8. chapter seven

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Seven

_And we would sing right out loud  
__The things we could not say  
__We thought we could change this world  
__With words like "love" and "freedom"_

The Sad Café

_The Eagles_

"What are you going to do?" Lily hissed as James strode out of the Great Hall. She was clutching his arm, but that didn't slow him down; she was only forced to walk faster.

"Here's what I'm going to do," James drawled, stopping (finally) to stare his girlfriend in the eyes. "I'm going to lock myself in the Prefects' bathroom, get completely hammered, then find out who was behind this!" He waved the paper angrily for emphasis.

"Cathy… Parsloy," Lily read.

"I mean who told the reporter," he growled, looking quite disgruntled. "Because it wasn't me."

Lily said nothing but checked her watch. Class would start soon.

"You do believe, don't you?" he looped his arm around hers and squeezed her hand, gazing at her desperately. Lily believed him, of course – but this one look – the kind that said, _You're all I have left right now_ – made her hate the situation even more… and the person who had set the ball rolling.

_And her truth makes me stronger  
__Does she realize?  
__I awake every morning  
__With her strength by my side  
__I am not a hero  
__I am just a man_

In Her Eyes

_Josh Groban_

"An' you know it isn't going to do anything. Because ol' Voldie's been running since… since sixty-six, that's what! I can't even rem'ber when there wasn't a war threat!" James rolled over on his back and stared at the ceiling. It was decorated with a mural of mermaids which he thought very ugly.

"I can," replied Lily. She had removed her socks and shoes in favor of dipping her feet in warm bathwater. Large honey-scented bubbles floated on the surface. "But then, I suppose, it's because I was raised with Muggles. Are we skipping the rest of our classes? No point in going if we've been marked absent to both fourth and fifth."

"Nope." James folded his hands behind his head. "I mean, yes we're skippin'. No, there's no point. Say, Lily. How long have we been here?"

"Twenty minutes."

"You know, Lil. It's a lot easier to talk to you when I'm drunk."

Lily frowned at a bubble. "Maybe. But you and I both know you'll have a killer hangover in the morning, and see how that goes."

"Not if I never sobre up." James winked, unaware that he had just slurred his words again. "It makes me hoppin' mad, though."

Lily's eyebrows went up again in her trademark questioning look. James called them "liliosyncrisies" which, frankly, got on her nerves. "Mad about what, pray tell?"

He wiggled his toes inside his shoes. What ugly shoes. He'd have to go buy new ones, because his dog had chewed on these. Dragon's hide, maybe – that had always looked rather fetching on him, though the dragon-rights activists might up and throw eggs at him… he drifted off to sleep… or almost did – except Lily was still saying his name. "Huh?" James replied intelligently.

"What makes you mad?"

He sat up, wincing as his abs flexed. Yep, he'd have to do more crunches before Quidditch practice.

Naturally, he joined Lily at the side of the tub and grinned cheekily at her. "It makes me mad because you won't have any piece of me when I'm drinking."

"Think of it as an incentive to stop."

"But I won't stop." He kissed her on the cheek. "It's like asking you to quit smoking."

"Smoking is addictive. Drinking isn't."

"Like 'ell it isn't." James snorted. "If it's not the taste or the thrill, it's the feeling. You're carefray… free. Like you haven't got any worries. And _then_ you chuck, pass out, and it comes rushing back. When that happens to me," he continued, "I feel like shit. And I want more alcohol." The irony of the situation: as he said this, he picked up his bourbon, swirled around in the bottle, and took another long drink… until another empty bottle clattered to the floor and rolled away.

Lily watched this in concern. If he wanted to get wasted three times a day, it was fine with her. She wouldn't stop him. But something was just _wrong_ about it. "James, are you an alcoholic?"

"Hell no," he said, lying back on the ground. He belched. "I could stop anyti'e I wanted to. But I like the feelin'." James folded his hands over his stomach and closed his eyes. There was a long, empty silence in which he stared at the inside of his eyelids. "Lil."

"Hmm?"

"Who d'you think told that reporter?"

"I assume it wasn't you, and it certainly wasn't Remus…"

"Sirius would'n do that."

"Did you say that Peter has trouble… you know, being discreet?"

James's eyes snapped open. "No. He wouldn't."

Lily grimaced. "I'm not saying he did it on _purpose_. Maybe someone asked him where Remus goes every month, and he just let it _sli_ –"

"No," James insisted. "You dunno Peter like I do, Lil. He would never rat us out like that. Not even if they threat'ned him." His voice softened. "I trust Peter an' everyone else, too."

"Okay… well, what do you think?" she was a little indignant. He had shot down her only suggestion, after all… she had the right to feel a bit offended.

"We should read it. Again."

"Pass it here." He willingly handed it over, and she uncrumpled it, smoothing out all the little wrinkles and creases in the lightweight paper. She began to read. "Is there a werewolf at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? A student who contacted me, Cathy Parsloy, in mid-September tipped me off to the fact that there may be. Investigation into the subject revealed that prefect Remus Lupin (left) has reportedly been ill, unfailingly, _once every month_ since his beginning of attendance at Hogwarts in 1971. As if this is not suspicious enough, the informant (who wished to remain anonymous) alluded to the defensive activity of fellow seventh-years Peter Pettigrew, James Potter, and Sirius Black, all closed friends of Mr. Lupin. Parents of seventeen year-old Lupin declined to comment, but with a home like Black friendly at his hands, one can't help but… (continued on page E8)."

"You have gotta be kiddin' me." James rolled his eyes. "Defessive activity. Okay. My friend's a bloody werewolf!" he shouted. The declaration echoed all around the bathroom, and Lily winced.

"James, be _quiet_. Someone will hear you!"

"I'm sure they will." He closed his eyes again. "Little fuckers."

Lily's answer to this was a bar of soap in James's mouth.


	9. chapter eight

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Eight

_Staring blindly into space  
__Getting up to splash my face  
__Wanting just to stay awake  
__Wondering how much I can take_

25 or 6 to 4

_Chicago_

All that weekend James saw not hide nor hair of Sirius… the boy was excellent at avoiding his best friend. This continued into the week; he was the first up in the morning and the last one in at night (except on James's patrol nights of Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, at which time he was the _first_ in). He sat in the front of classrooms where James sat in the back. Overall, Sirius was doing a very effective job of holding a grudge.

It was starting to affect James, too. He didn't drink during the week anymore – the morning following the bathroom incident he had woken with a terrible hangover and fifteen minutes late to a Quidditch practice he had personally scheduled – but he was still noticeably depressed, not making any effort to wipe his glasses clean or comb his hair (though not much could be done at that point).

In addition, he carried the newspaper bit around with him and talked about it at all times… he looked over each passing student suspiciously as if they had tipped off the reporter themselves. Remus, fortunately, had quelled most of the rumors by _not_ disappearing that next full moon (it was a well-contrived alibi by the widely-trusted Lily that he had been with her in Hogsmeade that day. Of course, this also destroyed the notion that James and Lily were actually dating. Neither minded this as both knew the truth of the matter). Remus had expressed adamant disbelief in Sirius's idea that James had let the cat out of the bag.

Thursday was morning Quidditch practice. As Captain of the team, James was expected to organize a practice plan. However, he had lately been too distracted to do anything of the sort.

"Alright, fellows." James looked the team up and down, trying to figure out how to pass the next hour. They could, he decided, definitely use some conditioning. The team consisted of two burly fifth-year Beaters; a fourth-year Chaser who immensely disliked his position on the team but wouldn't say so; a tall, gangly sixth-year Chaser, a very quiet seventh-year who shared a class with James as Keeper; and a new Seeker, a short and slim-figured second-year boy. The previous Seeker had broken her ankle during a Care of Magical Creatures lesson with Professor Kettleburn; though James would've preferred a girl on the team for diversity's sake, it did save the trouble of separate locker rooms.

"How about we leave our brooms in the shed for a minute and jog two laps around the pitch?" James suggested. "Then we can stretch and run some drills."

"We've been doing drills for the past three practices," the Seeker complained. "We need to learn some plays."

"Hey, newbie." James lifted his chin. "Do you see this Captain badge on my uniform? It means I know what I'm doing. Do you want to win or not?"

"The Hufflepuffs have got better technique than us. Their Seeker pulled a Seville feint at the last match."

"Well, you shouldn't have fallen for it."

"It wasn't I who fell for it." The boy gave him a suspicious look. "They were playing Slytherin. You told us to watch so we could learn Slytherins' attacks, remember?"

_Oh, shit_. He had told them that. "Obviously you were too busy watching the Hufflepuffs," James snapped – it was his only defense. "Stop wasting time. I want _three_ laps, now." The team, who had only been half-listening to the exchange, quickly quieted and skittered into a jog, James bringing up the rear.

_Job well done_, he thought with satisfaction.

Three laps around the pitch left the team out of breath, much to James's disappointment. Silently he vowed to have it run more, as he led everyone through ballistic stretches and crunches for good measure.

"We're out of the shape," he announced. "This whole team will probably gain a hundred pounds over hols, total. So from now on, we're working longer and harder." This was mostly true, but he was really trying to burn time.

James paced back and forth in front of the team for a bit, before coming up with, "Fly two laps around the pitch, then run the 1-2 drill."

"What about the rest of us?" the Seeker called. He couldn't be included in Quaffle practice, nor could the Beaters. This annoyed James spectacularly, but he didn't let this show.

"Run a serpentine with the Beaters. Try to stay out of our way." His eyebrows rose. "And after that, have them hit some tennis balls or something for you catch. There's a bag of them in the shed."

Without waiting for a response, James hopped on his broom – a _Silver Arrow 190_ – and zipped around the pitch twice. Directly following was a rather boring and repetitive pattern of passing to and from the other Chasers and the Keeper.

Time passed very slowly until James's watch finally read 7:00 AM, and he landed without a word, making a beeline for the locker room.

Quickly, he stripped down – shoving his Quidditch robes into his locker…he would wash it tomorrow – and jumped into the shower. Steam quickly billowed up and fogged the glass. Water matted down his hair and pooled around his feet.

"James?" a female voice echoed very uncertainly from the inner entrance. He poked his head past the glass door.

"In the shower!"

Feet slapped against the tile floor. James, swearing softly, quickly turned off the water and grabbed a towel. It was _seven_ in the morning…

"Sorry," Lily said as he stepped out, now dry and in his boxers (thankfully, he had left a fresh pair near the shower).

"No problem," he replied curiously. "So… what are you doing here?"

"I know," she blurted. "It's weird. I mean, here I am waltzing right into the boys' locker room when I know you're in here, probably naked as you were on your birthday."

"I was born in a black tuxedo," he informed her, earning a laugh. He winked, which while dressing oneself is harder than it sounds. It does require an air of dignity only James Potter had. "You _are_ my girlfriend, after all."

"Ha ha," she told him dryly. "That doesn't mean I'm very eager to see you unclothed."

"Well, one can hope."

Lily crossed her arms, giving James a No-Flirting type of Look that any man could relate to. "_Anyway_, I came here to tell you there's no Potions today or tomorrow."

"_What_?" he dropped his shoe, which he was in the middle of trying to put on the wrong foot. "Honestly? Why?"

"Slughorn is sick and he absolutely _refuses_ to have a substitute," Lily whispered. "McGonagall was _so_ mad about it when she told me. It was dreadful."

He finished tying his shoes and hurriedly threw a fresh robe over his shoulders. "You mean we have a whole free hour?" When she nodded, he whooped loudly. "Great! I knew taking that class would be useful someday. Want to go to Hogsmeade and get pissed?"

Lily stuck out her tongue. "Hogsmeade I'll take – I dunno about getting pissed, though. Officially, we have to let all the Prefects know about the changes so they can pass it down to their Houses."

James cracked a grin. "Then we will. And I'm skipping Runes and Divie today, no doubt. I already have an O in everything."

"Let's go."


	10. chapter nine

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Nine

_For long you live and high you fly  
__But only if you ride the tide  
__And balanced on the biggest wave  
__You race towards an early grave_

Breathe

_Pink Floyd_

The next three hours Lily spent cruising Hogsmeade village with James. Their first stop was the Three Broomsticks, where he flirted up a storm with Madam Rosmerta (much to Lily's embarrassment).

"And then Dumbledore made me Prefect in sixth year," James told the lovely bartender, "and I guess I did a good job, because…" he gestured to his Head Boy badge.

"Right lovely Head Boy you are, skipping class to have rum," Lily said loudly. She had ordered a pint of rum, herself, but her objective was to get James to be quiet. He seemed to realize this and closed his mouth, shooting her a reproachful look.

"Where's Sirius?" Madam Rosmerta raised an eyebrow. "Hardly see the two of you apart."

"Ah, he's… around," James said, a little cooler. "It's just Lil and me today."

"Don't you worry," Madam Rosmerta said, as if divulging a secret. "I'll keep this expedition between you and me." This was directed mostly at James, who winked. Lily kicked him under the bar.

James lifted his tankard in toast. "To girlfriends who nag!"

"I can't believe you actually convinced me to come here," Lily grumbled. "And to drink, no less."

"If you really don't like the Broomsticks we can go to the Hogs Head," James offered before emptying his tankard. "Or is it you're needing a fag?"

"You're a prick." Lily sipped her rum, glaring at her boyfriend over the rim of her mug. "I don't badger you for wanting to get pissed in the middle of the day. Hell, I came along with you."

"Sorry?" answered James, sensing trouble. The simple reply seemed to satisfy Lily, and she set down her drink.

"I thought it would be more exciting," she said. Seeing James's bemused look, she changed subjects. "Anyway, can we get out of here? I'd like to look at the shops."

After a quick drag (during which James simply stood off to the side and appreciated the second-hand smoke) the pair browsed through Honeydukes. Not wanting to be reported to McGonagall, who visited the village frequently, they stashed their robes and ties under a trap door in the candy store's cellar. They now simply appeared to be well-dressed visitor: James in his dress shirt and grey slacks with brown shoes, Lily the same but feminized, and with a modest, plaited skirt.

Each selected some candy, which James paid for (Lily had no money with her, except for a few pound notes in her shirt pocket that she didn't remember leaving there).

"Graduates of Hogwarts?" asked the fat, slightly balding man. Both nodded. "Ah, thought so. You're a tad familiar."

"Howard and Janine Potter," James offered, shaking the man's proffered hand.

"Parents of James Potter?" the man lifted an eyebrow, as if debating within himself how old these people were. Then, taking in the rather boring (and frumpy) clothing, as well as the tired (drunken, really, but he couldn't know that) expressions they had, and the stubble on James's chin, he smiled at them. He had fallen for it.

"Indeed," James said, throwing a wink in Lily's direction.

"Well, you tell him to come around to my shop more often. I haven't seen the little fellow in two years. He sends hi friends in for him every now and then, though."

"We'll do that," Lily added reluctantly. They left. Once outside, James snorted indignantly.

"Little! Really!"

"I don't see how we just pulled that off," Lily exclaimed. "No offense, but aren't our parents… old?"

"In their late fifties," James said lightly. "But you know, some people will believe anything."

"You've got charisma coming out your ears," Lily moped. "It's quite unfair. And when will we go back for our things?"

"I'll get them tomorrow if you remind me." He ran a hand through his hair. "Well, wife, where do you want to go next?" he teased.

"Gee, husband, I don't know," replied Lily, looping her arm in his. She mused for a moment before checking her watch. "We've an hour and a half," she informed him.

"Then it's too late," said James briskly. "The fasted route back is up through the mirror on the fourth floor, and if you recall, it took twenty minutes to get here." He smiled the tiniest bit. "Now skipping Divie isn't even a choice!"

"Except I'm not taking Divie," she reminded him. "I'm taking Muggle Studies third period."

"Don't you already know enough about that?" He had a point – Lily's parents were both Muggles – people with non-magic blood. She grew up, consequentially, in a very "normal" family, with Hogwarts being her only real connection to her magical self.

"Oh, do shut up," she joked, as they approached a bookstore she hadn't been in more than once or twice. "Let's stop here, shall we?"

They stepped in, a bell jingling as the door swung closed behind them. A very thin, tall witch with silver hair nodded to the pair before continuing to dust the counter.

"Look at this," Lily said, nodding to a book called _Dark Wizards and Their Downfalls_. James, however, was quite absorbed in a new edition of _Which Broomstick_. A photograph of the newest standard broom models was plastered on the front.

"Well, we can all see you've found your place in the world," Lily teased. She continued browsing the books, but found them all highly-priced. She could afford such things but had always been a thrifty spender (as one thing Lily detested was exchanging money at Gringotts. Handing over pound notes and getting gold coins in its stead made her feel as if she was taking away from the bank. After all, _they_ only got little slips of paper).

"Lily – _Silver Arrow 200_ or the _Cleansweep_? Tell me which is better?" he begged, waving the magazine in her face suddenly. "I need a new broom…" this trailed off into a whine, and Lily realized this was the first time she had seen him drink and _not_ sound, well, completely wasted. She didn't point this out.

"Why don't you save your money to buy something even better when the next broom comes out?" she said reasonably. "After all, everyone is going to want the _Cleansweep_, but for all you know, the next _Silver Arrow_ will be loads better."

"I guess." James replaced the magazine and shoved his hands in his pockets. He quirked a grin at Lily, something he did often and randomly. Lily smiled back.

They ended up leaving the store within minutes, Lily buying nothing while James purchased a small stack of Quidditch catalogs.

With a short selection of places to visit, Lily and James put shopping aside and settled on a bench outside the haunted house villages had dubbed "the Shrieking Shack". James sent it a furtive glance every now and then.

"I heard a group of ghosts moved in there right after it was built," Lily mused. "Sir Nicholas did say something earlier in the year." Sir Nicholas, more commonly known as Nearly Headless Nick, was the ghost of Gryffindor Tower.

"Yeah," James said quietly. He twiddled his thumbs.

"Of course, it could be some sort of animal. A really angry ghoul. No one's been in there, right?" Lily cast him a sidelong look.

"I have."

Now, _that_ wasn't the response Lily had been looking for. She had actually expected a "yeah" or "erm." Or maybe silence.


	11. chapter ten

Higher Than Your Heart

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Ten

_And when you're looking for your freedom_

_And you can't find the door_

_When there's nothing to believe in_

_Still you're coming back, you're running back_

_You're coming back for more_

Take It to the Limit

_The Eagles_

"I can't believe you didn't tell me you were on Animagus!" Lily flung herself on the scarlet sofa. They were back I the common room, James having just explained everything; Lily, though not exactly fuming, was heavily disgruntled and in dire need of a cigarette.

"Well, it never came up."

Lily's face turned quite pink. And now she _was_ fuming.

"Sorry if I never asked! 'Gee, Jamesie, are you deer in your spare time?'"

"Stag."

She took a breath and stared at him. "Excuse me?"

"Well, I'm a stag." James shrugged. "Not to sound choosy or anything, but there _is_ a difference."

"I'm going to class," Lily ground out. "Feel free to stay here. I'll explain to _McGonagall_ that you've been _skipping_."

"So have you!"

Lily opened her mouth to retort, but was interrupted by the portrait door slamming open. In climbed Sirius, Peter, and Remus.

Sirius's eyes were bloodshot, and his hands were clenched in white-knuckled fists. He didn't spare Lily and James a single look, only strode very quickly across the room and ascended the stairs.

"What the hell is with him?" James whispered as Remus and Peter came closer to join them.

"He got bad news after third period and won't talk to anyone."

"His brother is dead," Peter added lowly.

James tried not to let his surprise show. Regulus Black was the sixteen year-old Seeker of Slytherin. He looked very much like Sirius but considerably smaller, leaner, and with stoic grey eyes that rivaled Sirius's happy brown.

He was also one of Lord Voldemort's most open young supporters: a Death Eater, follower of prejudice and Dark magic.

Naturally, no one knew how to react to the news of Regulus's death.

"Should I go talk to him?"

"Yeah," Remus said. "You're his best mate. He needs you right now."

James nodded dumbly and began to climb the curling staircase that led to the boys' dorms. At the end of a short hallway was the door to the seventh-year room.

The door handle rattled when he turned it, and the floorboards squeaked. He felt like he was intruding on a sacred quiet.

Inside, four out of five beds were neat and empty. Sirius's curtains were drawn around his bed.

"Sirius?" James touched the curtain uncertainly, then threw it open. Sirius was cross-legged in the center of his bed, breathing very slowly. "Padfoot?"

Sirius looked up. The boys didn't use their nicknames except in serious times, like when Peter's father had passed away. It reminded them that they still had someone to look after them: brothers.

"I feel like the biggest arse in the whole world, Prongs," he said finally.

James settled himself beside his friend. "It's not your fault, mate," he said, though he honestly had no idea whose fault it was. "Don't tie yourself in a knot –"

"He's my brother!" Sirius yelled. Then, realizing how sudden that had been, he lowered his voice. "You don't understand, Prongs. All this time I've said I hated him for – being a Death Eater, and he'll never know –" Sirius choked on a sob, which he barely forced down. James was very uncomfortable by this point, but stayed rooted to the spot. Never had he seen Sirius so broken.

"He switched sides," he finally whispered, voice cracking. "He was killed by his own lot."

"Bleeding hell," blurted James. It seemed this could not get stranger.

"This is so messed up," Sirius croaked. He fell back on his bed. "So _bloody_ messed up."

"I don't know what to say, Padfoot." James laid a quiet hand on Sirius's shaking shoulder. "I don't know."


	12. chapter eleven

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Eleven

_No one gives a shit about the things they do  
__We all waste and consume  
__Destroy and ruin everything we touch  
__It's easy not to think when you're not told that much_

Hello Helicopter

_Motion City Soundtrack_

James felt a need to be at Sirius's side at all times, which was a great relief to everyone who knew them. For a pair of friends so close, time apart was unnatural and unhappy, so James couldn't help but secretly feel glad they'd made up, despite the tragic circumstances that had thrown them back together.

The cause of Regulus's death was unknown, and even his family was left in the dark on details. His body hadn't been – and never would be – found. Sirius was in a terrible state.

The evening he received the news, McGonagall called Sirius into her office. James trailed behind, but no one said a word or asked him to leave.

"Mr. Black," McGonagall said, folding her hands, "let me first offer my _deepest_ condolences."

Sirius swallowed, tweaking his thumbs. He didn't look up but made a vague choking noise.

"I have spoken to your parents and Professor Dumbledore, and it has been decided that you will remain at Hogwarts over Christmas vacation while your family recovers," she continued. "They have also agreed to excuse you from school this week, so –"

"I can't believe it," Sirius said, voice hard.

"Believe _what_, exactly, Mr. Black?"

"I can't _believe_," he continued bitterly, "that my parents would do that. Our son just _died_, so let's keep his brother away from home as well! It's not as if he's mourning or anything! Where's the logic in _that_, Professor?"

"Sirius," McGonagall tried, "your mother cares very much about you and simply –"

"My mum doesn't give a _damn_ about me, and you know it!" Sirius screamed. "Why are you letting them do this to me, Professor? Why are you doing this – ?" he threw himself at her desk, sobbing as all the built-up emotion finally leaked out.

Professor McGonagall's eyes softened, and she turned to James. "Mr. Potter, make yourself useful and escort your friend back to the common room. I expect he needs time." James, not about to argue, gently took a hysterical Sirius by the arm and led him out.

"I want to go home…"

There was a kind of change in their friendship that day.

For six years, people had looked at James Potter and Sirius Black, the unlikely duo of troublemakers, and called them _close as brothers_. They were, but no matter how deeply rooted their friendship was, there were things James never would learn about Sirius and things Sirius never would learn about James. James wouldn't dare tell Sirius that sometimes he hated his father, who set high standards for his son. Sirius had never indulged James in his thoughtful hatred for his family motto. No matter how simple it seemed, there were things they couldn't share with each other.

But Regulus, sixteen – a truly favorable son, not as good-looking or thoughtful as his brother but athletic and smart and talented – he had shared a special bond with Sirius that no one could deny. Even was they drifted apart over the years, they had still felt a secret connection: each would protect the other if it truly came down to it. And now that Regulus was gone, James truly was _all_ that Sirius had left.

Where people had seen friends _close as brothers_, there now _were_ brothers. The boundaries had been erased. There was nothing that could end this friendship, for it went as deep as blood.

James helped Sirius up to the common room. They sat on the sofa, the latter seeming considerably calmer now.

"Are you alright?" James stared at Sirius, concerned.

Sirius tried to crack a smile and failed. "You know… it's just hard… knowing he won't come back… I keep expecting him to walk into the Great Hall, and sit down with his friends, and…"

"I can't believe he's gone."

"Exactly."

The room fell into silence now. Sirius sighed and pulled his knees to his chest, looking scared and vulnerable.

"I'm sorry about what I said."

"What?" James tilted his head.

"About Remus. I don't know why I blamed you."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. If I can't trust the three of you, what are we? You're my best mate – I guess – I just care about Remus so much, you know?"

"So much," James said, "you'd wring the neck of anyone who would betray him like that."

"Yeah." Both felt very relieved: they were not alone.

"His whole life he's been a victim." Sirius closed his eyes and thought. "So I'll do anything I can to defend him." It made him feel better repeating it. It seemed to right all the wrongs he'd done.

"As would I, Padfoot."

There was more silence, but now it was companionable. A hundred things were running through James's mind at once.

"Padfoot?"

"What?"

"You want to know something funny?"

"Hm?"

"I told Lily today I'm an Animagus."

There was a bark of laughter, biting and slightly bitter. "What did she say to that?"

"She wasn't too happy, actually. Because it's really dangerous and all."

"Makes sense. She cares about you, mate."

"Yeah, but you want to know what else?" James sat up a little straighter in his seat and looked his friend up and down. He was a little more at ease now, but only because the conversation had taken a turn. "You know what makes it funny?"

"What?" Sirius looked up.

"The whole time she was yelling at me for being an Animagus, she never once said anything about how dangerous it was to spend time with a werewolf."

Sirius folded his hands behind his head, closed his eyes, and smiled grimly. There was quiet in the Gryffindor common room, not for the first time that day, and all that broke it was the boys' slow breathing. "I wish more people were like Lily Evans," he said.


	13. chapter twelve

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Twelve

_I see people turn their heads and quickly look away  
__Like a newborn baby, it just happens everyday  
__I look inside myself and see my heart is black_

Paint It Black

_The Rolling Stones_

Christmas came quickly.

The weeks had passed in a blur – decorations went up all over the school, students departed for home, and the house-elves, who catered for the school, went into overdrive.

Time had seen rumors about Remus die. It seemed that everything written in the _Daily Prophet_ was only valid for a few weeks – that, in addition to the trick he'd pulled that month, was enough to quell the gossip.

There were still whispers, though. It festered among the students, a fear no one wanted to talk about. Girls went out of their way to treat Remus nicely – as if he was a creature to be pitied, or they felt the need to make up for their mudslinging.

The boys in their year stayed at a distance, trying not to offend him. The theory was, "If he _isn't_ a werewolf, it doesn't matter. If he _is_, I'm doing myself a favor."

The only ones who did not seek this kind of justification were James, Sirius, Peter, and Lily.

But Remus was used to it.

Meanwhile, he and Lily had grown closer. Careful not to bring the subject of the article up with him, she merely treated him the same as everyone else. Then, as by some sort of magnetism, they drew together. Remus was never more grateful for a friend in his life; he could not always hide behind his more popular male friends.

Sirius, too, was doing much better. A memorial in his brother's honor had been held, but he'd refused to attend. As James stood by, Sirius offered up a prayer for Regulus and then drank himself to unconsciousness inside their dormitory.

It was, James said, his way of dealing with it.

With Christmas came the Christmas traditions, and that morning on the 25th, there was a pile of packages at the foot of each four-poster bed.

"Good one!" students ran up and down the stairs, around the common room, and in and out of the portrait-hole, waving new books, clothing, and homemade sweets at their friends.

As per tradition, dorm members helped each other open their gifts. Unfortunately, "dorm members" now referred to James and Sirius, as the other three had gone home for the holidays: Peter to visit his worrisome mother, and Remus to transform in peace while enjoying his vacation as much as possible. Frank, a talented student who didn't speak much, had gone home too.

Beside a roll of toilet paper from James, Sirius had only one lonely package t the foot of his bed, which turned out to be fifty Galleons from his parents. Upon further investigation, a map to Knockturn Alley – notorious hub for Dark wizards – fell out of the package.

"Typical," muttered Sirius, who pocketed the money, shoving the map into his trunk. He then turned to James, who was looking in confusion at his own gift pile. "What's up, mate?"

"I don't know," he replied, pointing. There among the typical packages – a tin of fudge from his mum, a box of rock cake from Hagrid (truly rock-like in taste and texture), and a bar of soap from Sirius ("Thanks for the hint") lay a long, thin package about seven feet long. It was wrapped in brown post paper and didn't look familiar.

As his friend looked on, James pulled on the note stuck to the package's side. Its blank white face was covered in loopy black writing:

_Hope you enjoy! Merry Christmas, and save your money. You'll need it someday._

_Love,_

_Lily_

Sirius, who had been reading over his shoulder, tugged experimentally at the box's wrapping paper. It fell away, and James, curious beyond belief, opened the box.

There was silence from the boys as James lifted the broom from its crate. The handle was almost five feet long: black, polished cherry wood with a streamlined German-style handle. The twigs were tier-trimmed, providing more balance for optimal turning.

"This baby," Sirius said in awe, "is possibly the _best_ broom I'll ever see in my life."

"Same," said James. They were both struck by that boyish wonder reserved for moment like these. A long time passed before they turned and clattered down the staircase to the common room, whooping.

"Like it?"

They whirled around and almost fell (they'd been crouched on the floor far longer than their poor knees could handle).

"Lily!" James cried, engulfing her in a hug. The broom was clutched firmly in one hand, and he was careful not to ram anything with it. That was the last thing he needed to happen. "The _Silver Arrow_ 210! These things aren't released to the public until next year!"

"I know," she said giddily. "There've been a few on the market to private investors since August, though – I pulled some strings – and wham! Wanna go down to the pitch and try it out?"

His face sobered. "It must've cost a lot. I mean _a lot_."

"Yeah," she admitted. "But I had the money, and I managed to go one of those benefactor auctions, you know? There it was, and I knew you would die just to see it. So I bought it, and what do I need with a broom anyway?" This spilled out in one breath, her face turning bright red. "Well, it killed me not to give it to you right away."

James hugged her again, a soft smile on his face. "You know, Lily, ever since I laid eyes on you –"

Sirius cleared his throat. "Ahem. Hello? I'm still here, so I'd appreciate it if the sappy speeches were put away for later. Let's go test that broom!"

Laughter echoed through Gryffindor Tower for the first time in a long while. Things were finally looking up.


	14. chapter thirteen

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Thirteen

_I'm not saying that I'm giving up  
__I'm just trying not to think as much as I used to  
_'_cause never is a lonely little messed up word  
__Maybe I'll get it right some day_

_For the first time in a long time I can say  
__That I wanna try_

Even If It Kills Me

_Motion City Soundtrack_

Lily was singing scales in choir when it happened.

When she inhaled, she couldn't exhale. She just couldn't. It took another breath, two, before she started to choke, feeling lightheaded.

"Lily? Are you alright?" It was that musical voice again – Miranda, who was currently looking at Lily in alarm. The choir ceased its warm-up while Lily doubled over, coughing.

"I'm -" cough "- I'm alright -" cough "- Miranda. Just tell the professor-" cough "- I needed to go." Lily sprinted out of the classroom and into the corridor, where she leaned on the wall for a long time, trying to regulate her breathing. The edges of her vision fizzled as blood returned to her head.

She should've seen it coming. For weeks now she'd had light coughing fits, though nothing like this. Suddenly, Defense against the Dark Arts, with its hands-on field training, had become a chore, and she found trouble catching her breath.

"All the stress on my lungs from choir has caught up with me," Lily said to herself. Scales in high octaves were no longer easy to sing, and Professor Flitwick, who ran the music program, was always telling her to project her voice…

"Lily?"

It was James, who evidently had just returned from Quidditch practice. His hair was mussed from flying, and there was a smattering of dirt on his scarlet robes.

"Hey," he said, taking in her disheveled appearance. "What are you doing?"

"Choir," she said feebly.

"Oh." He waited for her to elaborate. She didn't disappoint.

"I started coughing during warm-ups, so now I'm just standing here." Lily shrugged, trying to be nonchalant about the ordeal. The façade didn't work.

"It's the cigarettes," he said wisely. "Taking you down one lung cell at a time."

She shot him a dirty look. "You're not helping. Anyway, the blood's back to my head, so I'll just be going." She turned back to the classroom, but his grip on her arm stopped her.

She tugged herself out of his grasp and raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"Can we just talk about this?"

"What is there to talk about? I lost my breath singing; what's uncommon about that?"

James took her gaze and held it. "Nothing. But you're not fit to sing right now, and I want to talk. About everything, not just this." He grasped her hand and tugged gently. Reluctantly, she began to follow him down the empty corridor.

"What time is it?"

"Six-fifteen."

"Does Quidditch practice end that early?"

"We got up at four today, so I should think so."

"So early?"

"As captain, it's my job to make sure our team is ready for anything," he said perkily. The mere thought of Quidditch energized James. "I'm determined to win the Cup again this year – hey! Don't change the subject."

She squeezed his hand. "In all fairness, the subject was never settled upon. What did you want to talk about?"

The corridor was abandoned. James turned to Lily, taking her other hand as he did so. "Lily," he said, "how long have you been smoking?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" she wondered aloud.

"It has to do with _everything_," he replied. "C'mon. How long?"

Lily glanced at her shoes, face a rosy tint. "Since I was – oh, fourteen or fifteen."

James slumped, visibly defeated. "That's so long."

"Yeah. Your point?"

"Lil, do you know how _bad_ that stuff is for you? It destroys your lungs, you've got no appetite, you get all grumpy when you can't escape class for a light –"

"Oh? And what about your drinking?" she challenged. "You may've just started, but you're dead on your feet the day after a party, and we all know why. Your liver's probably shot right now, too, or will be in five years –"

"This isn't about me," he tried.

"Of course not."

"I'm just worried about you," he said softly. "I know what it's like, okay? It really hurts me to see you like this, trapped in this weird vortex."

"You haven't seen anything yet," she snapped, removing her hands from his grip and stepping away. "Now'll, if you'll _excuse_ me, James –"

He snatched her wrist again. "Lily!"

"_Yes_?"

"What if I quite drinking?"

She blinked. "Excuse me?"

"If I quite drinking," he stammered, "will you try to and quit smoking? For me?" His face was flushed and hopeful.

Lily sighed and touched his jaw. "It's not at all the same thing, babe."

James smiled ruefully. "I think it is. All this time I've been telling you I'm not an alcoholic, but you know what? I think I am. I mean, I _really_ think I _am_. I'm sad? I drink. I'm angry? I drink. I'm having the best day of my life? What do you know, I drink. There isn't a day goes by that I _don't_, Lily."

She shivered at this revelation. "But I haven't seen you with alcohol lately. I thought that was just a phase."

The Head Boy laughed hoarsely. "Are you kidding? Just ask Sirius – as soon as lights-out, man, we're _smashed_. And you're right, you know? I'm destroying myself." He took a deep, shuddering breath, and Lily was surprised to see his eyes start to well up. "I'm scared, Lily. I don't see how you can't be scared, too."

"Oh, James." She wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing her face into his earthy-smelling robes. "I'm sorry."

He buried his nose in her hair, and they stood there in silence for a long time, contemplated the cards Life had dealt them.

"It won't be easy, you know."

"Hm?"

She looked up at him. "Quitting. It's not as easy as it looks. It's like writing a book or sticking to a diet. You're going to want to give up."

"I won't give up."

"Then I won't, either."

"Are you –"

"James, I want out as much as you do. Do you think I like blowing all my money on cigarettes? They're not cheap, and it isn't exactly easy to get them past my parents and the teachers."

"Okay," he said, entwining their fingers again. "Okay. Starting today, it's no more. No more alcohol, no more nicotine, and no more skipping class for either of the two!"

"As if my grades aren't already suffering." Lily smiled.

It was time, she felt, for a great change. James had sensed it too.

Today was, as the saying goes, the first day of The Rest of Their Lives, and it was time for a new beginning.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

But wait, there's more! Oh yes... there's much, much more; the stormcloud has not yet passed. Five chapters more and an epilogue, to be exact.

Oh boy, is this the first time I've written an author's note on this story? How cool. I'd like to extend a big thank you to everyone who has read and followed this story. I'm extremely proud of it, so please remember to review with con.crit and perhaps alert others to it's existence... -winkwinknudgenudge-

On that note, let me set up a very low standard here... 5 reviews on this chapter before I update, please. It's a little sad that the most I've gotten on a chapter is 2. Reviews really help me get going, because, really, aren't they the **only** reward for a fanfiction author?

Thanks, enjoy!


	15. chapter fourteen

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Fourteen

_I move on like a sinner's prayer  
__I let go like a levee breaks  
__Walk away as if I don't care  
__Learn to shoulder my mistakes_

Better as a Memory

_Kenny Chesney_

Somewhere along the way, Lily had forgotten about days like this.

There the sun was, shining in her dorm window. It was too bright, too cheerful. Below her, all the students began to congregate in the common room – talking and laughing and yelling. It was loud – every sound seemed amplified by ten.

She turned over in her bed, covering her face with a downy pillow; it was an unsuccessful attempt at blocking out the sounds of Saturday morning. She only ended up muffling her own coughs.

It could only last so long. "Lily!"

Oh.

The roommates.

"Well," Lily mumbled, eyes cracking open, "this sucks."

She rolled out of her bed, seized some clean clothes from her trunk, and changed quickly. Today there were no classes, so casual clothes were her choice.

Normally, Lily would smoke first thing in the morning. It helped to perk her up and keep her content throughout the day. For a brief moment, she forgot her vow to James, reaching for the pack in her trunk. Then, as if burnt, she pulled back.

It took a minute of contemplation before she found her wand, aimed at the little grey box, and reduced it to a pile of ash.

After a hasty breakfast – she had slept in a little too long – Lily made her way out to the lake, determined to get a bit of fresh air.

It was amazing how much free time she had when she did not smoke. It was an odd experience, because after only a few minutes at the lake with nothing to do with her hands, Lily grew bored – and self-conscious.

Nearby, the four boys who called themselves the official troublemakers of Hogwarts were gathered under a beech tree. It was not uncommon to see them there after classes; it was almost magical, how close they were. James, Remus, Peter, and Sirius made a loveable quartet.

Perhaps this is why Lily approached them. It seemed wrong to breach that private bubble they shared, but at the same time a particular magnetism made her want to draw close.

"Hi, Lily," they chimed as she trotted up. James was smiling widely, pleased to see his girlfriend at an unexpected time.

"Hey," she said, settling on the ground. She drew her knees up to her chin. "I'm really bored."

"What a coincidence," Sirius said. "So am I."

Lily nodded, keeping an eye on James. In previous years he would have tried anything to entertain his friend: dance try a new spell on an innocent passerby, tell a funny anecdote – it was just the way he was.

Today, however, he stayed quiet. Thoughtful.

"How is everything, Lily?" Remus asked suddenly. Usually reserved, Remus looked oddly eager, eyes lighting up with desperate curiosity. After a moment of confusion, Lily realized he was waiting to see how she would treat him.

"Fine, thank you," she replied. A smile pulled at the corner of her mouth. "How are you, Remus? Find anything _interesting_ lately?"

"Actually, yes," he admitted. The others now turned their attention to this conversation. He lowered his voice. "There was actually a second article."

"What?"

"We never saw this!"

Remus sighed and pulled a newspaper clipping from his pocket. "It's controversial. It was in the last few pages, and really small, so I don't imagine many people saw it –"

"This is crazy, Remus," Lily said in disbelief. The article was by the same – Cathy Parsloy.

WEREWOLF THREATENS STUDENTS

_Cathy Parsloy_

_A Hogwarts who was recently revealed to be a werewolf has become a monthly threat to his peers, sources report. An anonymous informant who approached _Prophet_ reporters in mid-September has once again provided information on this highly shocking revelation. According to the student, the werewolf – identified Remus J. Lupin, eighteen – has been increasingly secretive about his whereabouts following the first report on this issue, which was released in October. Ministry officials, however, have yet to investigate the issue, despite some parent protest in past months._

_Contact with headmaster Albus Dumbledore has been limited, but he did say one thing regarding this issue: "Any student is welcome at my school. If one of my students had an ailment so frowned upon, I would not disclose it for his or her humiliation."_

The History of British Wizarding Education_ has listed no documented cases of werewolves in 20__th__-century magical schools, but one similar –_

"It's much more professional than the first one," Remus told them. "The October article was an opinion piece. This – this is like she's trying to convince people. There's even been a petition out for investigation, but that died."

"You know what this means, Remus?" Lily frowned thoughtfully.

"I think we _all_ know what it means," Sirius said darkly. "It's a bit obvious, isn't it? He's going to get kicked out because these stupid little reports can't keep their grubby hands off of the latest Hogwarts gossip."

"I swear they're out to condemn Dumbledore for something." That was James.

"_Actually _–"

"It means we'll have to come up with a way to make sure Remus doesn't disappear this month," Peter said. Lily looked at him; she was impressed. The boys were largely considered very intelligent, but he'd been the first to pick up on her idea, and the mischievous sparkle in his eyes showed it.

"And how," Sirius said sharply, "Are we supposed to do that?"

"It's easy," James said quietly. They all looked at him. "Polyjuice."

_I never knew 'til you were gone  
__How many pages you were on  
__It never ends I keep turning  
__And line after line and you are there again_

I Still Miss You

_Keith Anderson_

"Polyjuice potion is one of the most frustrating potions to make," Lily explained as the five students walked briskly down an empty corridor. As usual, Sirius and James strode ahead while Remus kept pace with her and the pudgy Peter attempted to keep up. "It's more of a timing issue than actual difficulty. But with our combined efforts –"

"– we should be able to finish this in time for February," Remus finished for her. "Five of, may I say, the most brilliant students in our year should be able to pull it off efficiently."

"The trick is not to get caught by a teacher." Lily frowned. "If Dumbledore or someone else saw you parading around every month when they _know_ you're supposed to be somewhere else, then things could get really messy – really fast. Oh, you'll have to donate some hair."

"Fine with me."

"In here!" A door had appeared in the wall. The Come and Go Room. The teenagerse slipped inside and were awed. There in the center of the room was a cauldron and a small folding table. On the table, they realized, were all the ingredient required for a Polyjuice Potion.

"Who did that?" James wondered.

"That was me," Lily said as she examined the ingredients. "This is good. This saves us a lot of trouble – I thought we were going to have to steal the fluxweed from one of the greenhouses, because it's got to be picked at full moon, you know? But we still won't be in time for this month's transformation, Remus, since it has to stew 21 days."

"You've lost me," Sirius said grumpily. "Let's just get to work, then."

"Well, it can't be that hard now," Remus reasoned. "Lily and I can work on it, since she's good at Potions and – well, it's kind of my responsibility. Why don't the rest of you investigate who wrote that article – or go get a snack from the kitchens, whatever you want, really."

"Or you could not use our help. Whatever."

Peter looked at his friends. On one hand, Remus and Lily really didn't need the help. On the other hand, James and Sirius looked rather put off. But before he could say anything, Lily gently pushed James toward the door and the three of them were sent off.

"Bye-bye," she said. "See you in a month."

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Thank you for the response on the previous chapter. I'm very happy that everyone liked it. :D

I'd just like to say something about Lily's smoking.

It's probably not the same thing at all, but I based her first day of quitting on an experience I had once with fasting. I fasted for two days, sunrise-to-sunset - not just from food, but from water, fragrance, and other material items. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

What I noticed is that I was so used to eating whenever I felt like it... I started to use snacking to fill my time. When I began fasting, I had so much free time and no idea what to do. All I could think about was my friends eating lunch in front of me or the sunset when I could finally eat. It was a little sad and a little revealing.

When I wrote this chapter, I decided that Lily's smoking had become so set in stone, such a day-to-day habit, that it left a gaping hole when she took it away - so it will take a lot of strength for her to maintain her abstinence.

I really wanted to say that. That was the idea of this chapter.

Also, on the Remus issue... you know, his whole side plot wasn't even supposed to be in this story at all. ;) But characters and plot twists have a way of sneaking up on you and just forcing you to put them in there!

Thanks for all the attention, and may I have another 5 reviews? :)


	16. chapter fifteen

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Fifteen

_My job, my car, my cash  
__My house on the hill  
__My piano I'd burn to ashes, yeah  
__I'd get on my knees, my God  
__If I could  
__I would give anything  
__I would give anything to be you_

Michael Jordan  
_Five for Fighting_

She wanted a cigarette _so_ badly.

It was days like this that were hard to face. Lily had given up smoking the way an obese person would give up eating: with a lot of hemming and hawing and failure.

Quitting _anything _cold turkey is hard, but it wasn't just that Lily was bored or felt uncool or didn't think it was _all_ that bad for her body. No, it wasn't that at all.

It was that, underneath all the superficial reasons for wanting one, Lily needed one. She physically _needed_ to smoke: she felt sick, weighed down, and heavy-headed from the lack of nicotine in her system; she was grumpy, people stayed away from her, and she got grumpier… and no amount of emotional grit could erase the fact that _Lily felt terrible_.

Some time in late January she finally had enough. She'd considered ordering nicotine patches to satisfy her addiction, but the process of getting a Muggle pharmacy to mail to Hogwarts was too difficult and costly. The next time she saw James, she vowed, she'd give him a piece of her mind.

But that was the problem. She _never _saw James anymore. Every morning she woke up at six, struggling through choir and seven classes before meeting Remus in the Come and Go room to work on the Polyjuice potion. She also had patrol four times a week, but the Sunday patrol she shared with him had been silent, as he kept to himself the whole night.

It never really occurred to Lily that perhaps he was suffering as much as she was, and her snappish attitude didn't help.

Lately, the boys had been acting differently. James, normally the loud leader, had become moody and reserved. This could probably be attributed to his drinking problem – there was no ego-killer like being scolded by one's girlfriend, and come to think of it that's what Lily had done.

Sirius, a usually light-hearted and sensible person, had becoming bitingly sarcastic and angry in recent days. Still, Lily hardly blamed him there: after all, he was still grieving for his little brother, and the situation with Remus was truly maddening.

Remus, more reserved but equally mischievous, had become extremely open with Lily and almost enthusiastic, complaining to her about his pains as a werewolf because… frankly, his friends had heard it all before and no longer found it interesting.

And Peter – Peter had become so helpful in recent days it was as if someone had replaced him with an outspoken house elf. He always took Lily's side in discussions, which had made her day considerably easy, and helped keep Sirius and James from distracting the potion makers.

All in all, it was as if they had exchanged personalities among their group. The dynamics of their friendship out of whack, it was only a matter of time before someone… broke.

_Pissed off, but instead  
__He'd drink every night until he passed out  
__Then he'd do it all again  
__The whole time smiling on the outside to cover the pain  
__But on the inside all he was trying to do was get away_

Red to Black  
_Fort Minor_

The fans, in a roar of colors, rose up onto their feet as one by one, seven boys on brooms zipped by. They were dressed in scarlet robes, and taking formation across from them was the rival, Slytherin.

Time always went by slowly for James when he was playing Quidditch – it seemed as if he was gliding along at five miles per hour; the Quaffle dropped as slowly as it would sink through mud; the cheers from spectators were simply not there.

It was silent.

As if watching himself from far away, James hurled goal after goal for the team, took a Bludger to the shoulder with a thud, and nearly fell off his broom as the sweat on his palms messed with his grip.

Today, he let the rest of the team do the work. His head was not in the game.

_Walking out onto the field, all he saw was his best friend, who had climbed down from the stands. The Slytherin team was warming up: the game would start in an hour._

_"They sure replaced Regulus real quick," Sirius said, staring up at the new Seeker. It was a girl who looked excessively happy about her place on the team._

_"Yeah, well." James swallowed. "They have a reserve team, you know. Backup in case anyone…" He shut up._

_Sirius shook his head a little, hair flying out of his eyes. "Anyway. Sorry to depress you –" His voice got a little thick, and he growled a bit. "Have a good game, okay?"_

_"Yeah." They shook hands vigorously._

_Up in the stands, a red-headed girl waved to them._

_"Oh yeah," Sirius said, suddenly grinning. "Lily told me to tell you she has to work on the potion after the game, and she loves you. Good luck with that one." He barked out a laugh and took off, trotting back to the slowly filling bleachers._

_James stared for a moment; then, he started laughing too._

"They won! They won! Gryffindor won!"

It echoed in his ears all the way back to the common room. They won. Lily loved him, and _they won_. Everything was going perfectly. Joy swelled up in James's heart.

"Hey." It was the Seeker, a thirteen year-old named Robbie Flipswitch. "You were hardly playing out there."

James sighed. Ever since the disastrous practice of mid-October when the kid had insulted his coaching tactics, he'd felt great annoyance at Robbie's very presence. "Look, we were all working to share the win. I can't just take over every time, or else –" he stopped short when he saw Robbie's expression, which was genuine and perplexed rather than snide. "Huh?"

"I'm just saying," Robbie said earnestly, "I thought you'd want to try out that new broom of yours in an actual game, but you looked really distracted."

"Yeah, I kind of was." James ran a hand through his hair: a habit from years ago. He only did it when he was feeling genuinely out-of-place.

Before Robbie could say anything, the Keeper made an appearance. He threw an arm around James's shoulders, surveying the party, and said, "Nice job, Captain."

"I didn't really do much."

"As if! You look uptight though. Beer?"

This is how James rationalized it:

He _had_ done a good job and deserved a reward,

He needed the drink to loosen up, or else he wouldn't make very good conversation,

The quiet, seventh-year Keeper had become obviously friendlier with the addition of alcohol, proving its usefulness,

and he couldn't possibly relapse with _just one beer_.

James decided it didn't matter. Lily wasn't around, and she would never, ever have to know.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Thanks for the feedback. I'm sorry for the delayed update; my Internet connection has been iffy lately. Five reviews, please?


	17. chapter sixteen

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Sixteen

_Shot down said you never had a chance  
__Took a ride on a suicide romance  
__Could've sworn there was somebody home  
__To facilitate the Great Unknown_

Easy Tonight

_Five for Fighting_

"You've got to stop."

Those words were the whole meaning of Lily's existence: all of her life, she had been told to stop. _Stop doing magic in front of Petunia. Stop talking to that Snape boy. Stop being spiteful to your mother. Stop studying – you're smart enough!_

And now she was being told, _stop smoking_.

It was like saying, _stop breathing_.

She could only hold on for so long: and finally when her head was light and her lungs were screaming for air, when tears squeezed out of her eyes and her knuckles went white from the effort – she _had_ to, she had to take a breath.

Lily had almost reached that point. She was so close to the edge, to the point where she wanted to say "I can't" and go on with her life – the easy way.

But then visions of James would creep into her memory: visions of him curled up in an alcove after hours, scent of alcohol still oh him – visions of him vomiting in the Prefects' bathroom while she stood outside the stall, slightly disgusted, slightly sympathetic.

All the pain he'd gone through – he was willing to step away from it and take responsibility. He was willing to give up his double life as Head Student by day and wild partygoer by night.

So the least she could do was equal his effort.

_Baby there's something about you that  
__I can hold on to  
__I'm gonna hold onto that_

_Well, I never thought I would win  
__I never thought much about that  
__It's been a long time coming_

Something About You

_Five for Fighting_

On February 23, 1978, at 1:05 AM, Remus Lupin – accompanied by Albus Dumbledore, Poppy Pomfrey, and Minerva McGonagall, made his way to the Whomping Willow, head lolling from combined exhaustion and confusion.

At 1:27 AM, the full moon rose, and Remus became a werewolf.

At 1:31 AM, three animals – a red deer with a proud stance and tall antler, a garden rat with a long tail and skittish personality, and a dark-colored dog with a permanent grin on his face – emerged from the Forbidden Forest and joined Remus in the tunnel under the tree.

Classes went by as normal, though the three boys had dark circles under their eyes. And at 3:11 PM, when the werewolf – now a human once more – was definitely resting in the Hospital Wing, bed surrounded by curtains to ensure privacy, Remus Lupin was with his friends in the Gryffindor common room, loudly exclaiming over a quidditch magazine.

"You're doing awesome, Lil," James said under his breath. "I never would've known it was you if I – well, if I _hadn't_ known it was you."

"That makes loads of sense," Lily said, while smoothing down Remus's robes with Remus's hands.

All was going well: they had been worried that Remus's disease would complicate the results of the potion, as it was not supposed to be used to turn into anything but other humans – and no one had ever tried it on a werewolf. That was why Lily had volunteered to be the "stand-in Remus", in case something went horribly wrong.

"I had no idea Remus was so popular," Sirius said, laughing as a girl looped her arm through (a bewildered) Lily's and primly explained _she_ had _never_ believed those rumors about him, wasn't that nice? "Boy, it must be the womanly charm. _He_ can really sympathize with them now, huh?"

The boys were all considerably happier now: it seemed the "Remus problem" had been resolved, though the mystery behind the article had yet to be solved.

"Why'd you miss classes Remus?" That was a boy who looked to be in fourth or fifth year. Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Well," she said in Remus's throaty voice, "As long as people are expecting me to be gone, you know, transforming into a bloodthirsty animal, I might as well skip my classes." As she said this, she made eye contact with James, who mouthed, _what are you doing?_ But the boy just laughed.

"So true! Well, if it makes you feel better, _I_ believe you. I mean, it's not like you can be in two places at once."

Lily agreed.

The portrait hole swung open just then, and to everyone's surprise, in walked Professor McGonagall.

She took in the scene: Remus, frozen on the sofa, surrounded by his friends, all with horrified expressions; fellow students looking far too curious. Then she said, "Mr. Lupin, just who I was looking for. If you will come with me?"


	18. chapter seventeen

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Seventeen

_I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy  
__Maybe I'm the chance of rain  
__And maybe I'm overcast  
__And maybe all my luck's washed down the drain_

Stars  
_Switchfoot_

They walked silently down the corridor – McGonagall and Lily – and Lily felt suddenly uncomfortable in this body. She was too tall – everything seemed different from Remus's perspective – and she felt out of place. To put it frankly, slipping out of her own skin and into that of a friend's was _weird_.

McGonagall turned into her office and seated herself, gesturing for Lily to do the same.

"Professor," Lily started – in Remus's low, scratchy voice – "I'm not really –"

"Yes, Miss Evans, I know," McGonagall said, sighing. She peered over her spectacles at "Remus" and pushed a tin of Ginger Newts across the desk. Lily took one. "The effects of the potion should wear off soon in any case."

"How did you –"

"How did I know? Mr. Lupin himself admitted it, though in a daze from his rather tumultuous transformation. I saw him in the Hospital Wing, and he decided to confide in me about your _plan_."

Lily gulped. "Professor –"

"What I want to know, Miss Evans," McGonagall continued, staring her down, "is _what_ you were thinking!"

"I just wanted to help!"

"Help? Professor Dumbledore has made a _good_ deal of sacrifice to ensure Mr. Lupin attends this school, under many conditions, and one of those conditions was to _not_ stray from our current system! Did you not think traipsing around as Remus Lupin might cause a stir among those who _approved_ his presence at Hogwarts?"

"No," Lily admitted.

McGonagall's eyes softened. "Don't feel privileged. Mr. Lupin received this same lecture. However, you must both keep in mind that a disease, no matter how frowned upon, will never keep a magical child from receiving a proper education while Dumbledore or I are here."

"Yes, Professor."

"For experimenting in a potentially dangerous use of an advanced potion, Miss Evans, I regret to say I must take fifty points from Gryffindor."

"Yes, Professor." Inwardly, Lily winced. Never before had she lost house points for something to outright illegal. If word got out to other Gryffindors… well, word just wouldn't get out to other Gryffindors.

McGonagall stood. "You may go back to the common room, Miss Evans." Lily looked down, startled to see her body had returned. She hadn't even noticed the transformation.

"Thank you, Professor."

"Oh, Lily?" Lily stopped with her hand on the doorknob as McGonagall looked expectantly at her. "You may want to stop by the Room of Requirement – or the Come and Go Room, do you call it? – and fetch another dose, before students begin to wonder what happened to Mr. Lupin."

Lily smiled widely – a smile McGonagall returned. "Thank you, Professor!"

_I hit my head upon the chamber door  
__And all the marbles rolled on the floor  
__And all the psychos in the ward start screaming  
__screaming_

Alright  
_Five for Fighting_

It had been a very long day for Lily. The encounter with McGonagall was scary, to say the least. Tonight, however, was a patrol night for her: so it had yet to be finished.

Patrol nights On Thursdays were always conducted by herself because James had Quidditch, and regular prefects were only asked to patrol between classes, not at night. It was almost frightening to walk around the school in near dark – only _Lumos_ to light her way – and have to encounter teachers, also patrolling, or other students, whom she'd have to refer to a "higher being" for detention.

The castle was unusually quiet today, however. A Quidditch game meant everyone was either up in a tower, partying, or somewhere else, sulking over the loss and not quite willing to worsen the day by losing house points, too. It vaguely reminded Lily of the beginning of the year, when she did not have as many troubles to deal with.

James had become her solace, her support. There was something amazing about a boy who thought she was pretty, despite her fluctuating self-esteem that could say otherwise. There were days when she felt everything was right and others day when it was horribly wrong. He was the one constant in her life.

She smiled a bit as she thought about the years that had led up to their relationship.

_"Why would we have to _draw_ a map, of all things?" James wondered out loud. He was eleven years old, aggravated by History of Magic, and a little full of himself._

_Lily sat next to him, bent over a large square of parchment. Her dark red hair was parted into two braids, and she held a quill between her teeth as she concentrated on the crude drawing of Britain. "So we can memorise this stuff for exams, obviously," she replied, brow wrinkling a bit. "Hey, you put Azkaban in the wrong place, did you know? It's not in Ireland; it's on the North Sea."_

_"What? But my dad always talked about going there, and he's _Irish_," he explained, as if this made lots of sense._

_"He's also an Auror, Potter, really!"_

_"Well, how am I supposed to know where he goes? I'm not his keeper."_

_"He's your father."_

_"Hmph." Just then, James's elbow collided with his bottle of ink, and in a wash of dark blue, the map – faulty locations and all – was soaked._

_Lily screeched. "Potter, you ruined it!"_

_"Well, it wasn't a good map anyway!" he cried defensively._

_There was a pause, then Lily smiled. Then giggled. And soon they were both laughing._

There was a crash off in the distance, and Lily, startled, swung her wand in that direction, peering down the dimly lit corridor. "Hello?"

All she heard was a few echoed mumbles from the direction of Gryffindor House's secret entrance. Slowly, she made her way in that direction.

_"Isn't that Sirius's little brother?" Lily asked. He was a small, slight boy with brown hair and grey eyes: not as handsome as Sirius, but the resemblance was striking._

_James gave her a sidelong glance. "Yeah. He's a good kid."_

_They were watching the yearly Sorting of eleven year-olds, sitting next to each other as they waited for the feast to begin. All this time they'd been pointing out the first-years, one-by-one, and guessing what house they would be in. So far, Lily had been right eight times; James, six._

_"I'll be you five Sickles he gets put in Gryffindor," Lily offered. James smiled._

_"Five Sickles? How about a whole Galleon?"_

_"Fine."_

_"Then," he said slyly, "I'll take Slytherin."_

_A moment later, Regulus was welcomed to a cheering table of Slytherins as Lily, defeated, pressed a gold coin into James's waiting hand._

_"That is so weird," Lily moped. "Aren't family members usually together?"_

_"Yes, and while Sirius is in Gryffindor, the other five hundred or so Blacks to attend Hogwarts were in Slytherin." With this, James began to roar with laughter._

_Lily made an aggravated noise and shoved him. "Cheater!"_

"Hello?"

Trembling with suspense, Lily finished the flight of stairs leading to Gryffindor Tower, and light from her wand shone on the landing.

What she saw made her gasp.

Collapsed on the floor – face pale and tinted with blue – shaking – and worst of all, _not breathing_ – was James.

Things became a blur for Lily. Her wand clattered to the floor, and as she cried for help – as the portrait swung open to reveal a few very alarmed students – she was only aware of seizing the dazed James and _shaking_ him, saying, "What did you do? Are you stupid? Are you _stupid_?"

* * *

**Author's Note:**I know what you're thinking: "Wtf?!"

Well, here you go. The turning point for the entire story, the one scene I've been working up towards until now. Aren't you happy with me? (No, no, you shouldn't be. I'm unnecessarily cruel toward my characters. I get it.)

I am departing for the weekend, so I decided to update a little earlier than planned, tide you all over with my (very very) favorite chapter. If you're still looking for a read, please look at _A Time Capsule_, because reviews on that would be nice as well. I put a ridiculous amount of work into that one.

Only a few chapters left to go, so please review. It would mean so much to me to know that you're all still out there, reading this. Even if you haven't reviewed a single chapter of this story before, if you would just leave one right now, saying "Good" or "Bad" or "I liked it" or "I didn't like it", that would be enough. :) Thank you!


	19. chapter eighteen

Higher Than Your Heart

Chapter Eighteen

_Welcome to the best day of the rest of my life  
__My buddies broke the case and now it's gonna be alright  
__Moral of the story, it doesn't matter who you are  
__Be careful what you wish for, they'll be calling you a rock star_

Policeman's Xmas Party  
_Five for Fighting_

Despite magical medicine having made outstanding advances in past years, when it came to alcohol poisoning, the wizard technique for survival was not much different than the Muggle one:

Wait.

"The best we can do," Madame Pomfrey told James's parents, "is give him fluids and keep him breathing until the alcohol is eliminated from his system." To Lily, she said, "He'll probably pull through, thanks to you. Lord knows what would've happened if he hadn't been found."

The mood in the Hospital Wing was somber, however, even after receiving this news. Lily, who hadn't slept since happening upon him, sat on one of the empty beds, wringing her hands. Sirius, Remus, and Peter were sitting quietly outside James's bed, which was encircled by red drapes. They were silent, but pain echoed in their eyes. It was obvious how very important their friend was to them. James's parents held a hushed discussion with Dumbledore and Pomfrey in the doorway.

Finally, Remus stood and approached Lily, who looked shell-shocked. It was one A.M. – it had been three hours. "You should get some sleep," he said.

"How did we let it go this far, Remus?"

The question startled him. He glanced at Lily, who was looking at him earnestly. "Well," he said guiltily, "I suppose we didn't think it would sneak up on us like this, alcoholism."

"It's been a year," she said. "He's been drinking for a year. _Why didn't we notice?_"

Remus didn't say anything, so she continued. "I mean, I watched him. I _watched_ him drink and drink, but he always said he could stop if he wanted to, so I figured –"

She stopped.

Remus wrapped his arm awkwardly around Lily's shoulder as she said miserably, "There were _so_ many opportunities to stop this."

"You _did_ try to stop it. And, well, it's his own fault if he's so intent on drinking to death!" This was supposed to lighten the mood, but the word _death_ hit the bottom of their stomachs like Thanksgiving leftovers. "Look, he's going to live, okay? It's going to be alright."

"But Pomfrey said…"

"Does it matter what Pomfrey said?"

"I guess I just feel like a jerk," Lily admitted. "And I'm angry because he said he was quitting, and I believed him."

Remus laughed bitterly. "Do you really think he wasn't trying? After you two started talking about stopping –"

"He told you about that?"

"Oh, yeah. And Lily, he meant it. He didn't touch a drop, at least not around me. Whenever Sirius came back from Hogsmeade with anything alcoholic – even those filled Chocolate Cauldrons, you know – he freaked out. Said we'd push him in the wrong direction."

When Lily didn't respond to this, Remus sighed and patted her shoulder. "You should get some rest. The three of us can stay here in case he comes to."

_Though the world is torn and shaken  
__Even if your heart is breaking  
__It's waiting for you to awaken  
__And someday you will  
__Learn to be still_

Learn to Be Still  
_The Eagles_

Lights flickered on and off in James's brain. It was as if someone was playing with the main dashboard, flipping switches up and down so ideas, thoughts, and memories leaked into his subconscious, then faded abruptly.

Blurs of his night went through his mind. It was an innocent drinking game. His friends weren't around, and here was his opportunity to make new ones. Shot after shot after shot. It only took about five, but he missed that feeling of ability. Freedom. Possibility, as if he could do anything he wanted.

And what did James want, past what he already had? All he could remember was that tonight Lily had patrol, and wasn't he supposed to do patrol, too? Or was that only on Sundays? Tripping out of the portrait hole – the Fat Lady was half-asleep and blinking wearily – he tried to leave the landing. But all those drinks had caught up to him; his legs wobbled, and his body shut down.

This was not new to James. He would pass out, someone would turn him on his side so he wouldn't choke on his vomit, and the next morning he would wake up, temples pounding, a mess.

Voices swirled all around him. Colors faded in and out of his vision.

He remembered how he met Sirius. Oh, Sirius. They'd run into each other at Platform 9 ¾, two young and confused boys. James's mother was asking him questions incessantly, like _have you got your books?_ And _did you pack enough underwear?_ Not ten feet away, Walburga Black was reminding her son not to mix up with the wrong people, and _do_ get in the right House, don't embarrass your family! Somewhere in the mass confusion, they made eye contact and were friends from that moment on.

And the others… Remus and Peter had been friends with each other first: Peter was fat and mouse-like, not at all popular, and Remus was so timid in first year that Peter was his only friend. James had taken a particular liking to Remus, though. Sirius and James "adopted" the pair. The four were a close quartet after that.

James was so confused. Where was he? And why did all these thoughts flood his head at once? He wanted to know. He vaguely felt, through the blackness, a hand close around his, and it brought him great comfort.

"And now," he heard a woman say, "we wait."

_But I don't want to wait_.

He opened his eyes.

"James? … James!" Still dazed, he was thrown back into reality as his mother, hysterical, threw her arms around him. He felt weighed down – he couldn't' move his arms, and his tongue was thick and heavy. His speech was drowsy.

"Hey, Mum…"

* * *

**Author's Note:** Well, there you go. Only an epilogue after this. Please review, I'd really appreciate it - more than you can imagine.


	20. epilogue

Higher Than Your Heart

Epilogue

_Without love I wouldn't believe  
__In anything that lives and breathes  
__Without love I'd have no anger  
__I wouldn't believe in the right to stand here_

Believe  
_Elton John_

On February 24, 1978, Remus Lupin received the biggest shock of his life.

To be fair, there were a lot of shocks in his life – there was the frightened night when he was brutally attacked by a werewolf, and his life was changed forever; there was the fateful summer of 1970 when he realized he would be able to attend school – something he was always thankful for; and today, there was his best friend in the hospital, tubes running up to his arms and family in the wings.

James's condition had been stabilized, and he was now breathing normally, thanks to the attention of Madame Pomfrey. His parents had left after hearing he would be alright – they had important jobs at the Ministry that could not be left unattended very long. Now his friends could finally relax.

It was six in the morning on Wednesday. With bags under their eyes – they'd been up all night, with Dumbledore's permission – Sirius, Peter, and Remus trooped toward the common room, ready for sleep.

But before they went in, Sirius pulled Remus aside. "I have to talk to you."

So they walked away, leaving a perplexed Peter at Gryffindor Tower.

"I told them," Sirius said once they were out of earshot.

All Remus could think of to reply was, "Huh?"

"I told them," Sirius repeated, a look on his face like he was saying, _I'm gay_. "I told the reporter at the Daily Prophet… about – you. I'm the anonymous Hogwarts student."

"What the fuck," Remus said. His brain dimmed. He was seriously unsure of what was going on.

"I'm really sorry," Sirius blurted. "I didn't know it would get this out of hand –"

A fist gripped Sirius's collar. "Padfoot," Remus growled. "Tell me the whole story."

It was like the time in third year when Sirius had almost cost Severus Snape his life. He'd made a horrible, horrible mistake, and they both knew it.

"It was a joke that got out of hand," he admitted, miserable. The grip on his collar loosened as Remus saw his friend's guilt. "I was talking to someone at Hogsmeade, a stranger, and she wanted to know why I wasn't at school. I said, 'I skip class all the time,' and… she asked what I got up to…"

"Go on."

"Well, I was just joking. I said, you know, 'Oh, I just run around with my werewolf friend, since he has nothing to do' and I just fed her a load of bullshit… I didn't think she'd take it seriously."

Remus swore and backed away from Sirius, averting his gaze. "I don't know what to say, Padfoot. Why would you do something like that and then blame it on James?"

"I didn't know!" Sirius howled. For a seventeen year-old, he was currently looking very childish, almost beside himself with guilt. "I didn't realize that woman was Cathy Parsloy until later! You have no idea how hard it's been to keep this inside, Remus, especially after Regulus – and when you were trying to figure out who –"

"Our friendship… is so fucked up, isn't it?" Remus put a hand to his forehead. "Holy cow."

Sirius looked up. "More like _I'm_ fucked up, Moony. Everything that's happening is somehow my fault."

The werewolf swallowed, then sighed. There was a long silence. "It's okay."

"It is?"

"Yeah. The article thing is over; after the trick we pulled yesterday, there won't be any rumors left to spread. And James is on his way to recovery – if I'm right, none of us will let him near a drink for a _really_ long time."

"I know I won't."

"Right – so, things are looking up, mate. Nothing to worry about from here on out. We just have to live 'til our graduation."

Remus and Sirius looked at each other for a moment, then hugged. "Warm, fuzzy moments" between the friends were rare, but lately it seemed like the whole world was working against them. They stood there briefly, then parted, looking slightly embarrassed at the sudden show of affection.

"Never happened," Remus said.

"Right."

They took off in the direction of Gryffindor Tower, whistling, hands in pockets, looking at anything but each other. But Remus couldn't contain his curiosity forever.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you really go back and talk to the reporter that second article, or was she making that up?"

"She was making that up."

"Oh, okay."

Silence.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad we're friends."

"Me, too."

Life was finally looking bright.

_It's been too long since we took the time  
__No one's to blame – I know time flies so quickly  
__But when I see you, darling,  
__It's like we are both falling in love again  
__It'll be just like  
__Starting over_

Starting Over  
_John Lennon_

"I can't believe you got me something – what about Christmas? This is too much."

"This isn't for your birthday, silly."

Lily held James's hand as she led him out of the castle and down stone steps. It was a beautiful day – dew sat on the bright, green grass, and the sun was peeking out from behind a fluffy white cloud. It was a good time to be in Scotland.

"Oh?" said he. James had recovered almost fully from his "accident". Once again, his hazel eyes were bright and mischievous, and though he could be a little moody at times, he was really the boy Lily had grown up with. "If it's not for my birthday, what is it for?"

"This is to one month and two days of being sober," Lily said, knocking at the door of Hagrid's hut. It swung open almost immediately. Inside were Sirius, Remus, and Peter, all of whom had bright smiles on their faces.

"Is this my present?" James asked, a little disappointed. "But I've had them forever!"

Sirius laughed while Lily rolled her eyes. "No, mate… though we all know how much you want me, _this_ isn't up for sale."

"Good!"

"Actually," Peter said, exchanging a look with Remus, "your present's right here." And he passed a heavy, poorly-wrapped parcel across the table, a slight grin on his face.

It was unwrapped to reveal a large, leather-bound book, which James weighed in one hand. "What is it?" he asked curiously.

"Open it," said Lily. "It's from all of us."

It was a picture album, filled with pictures from different parts of James's life. There was one of him in first year, looking dorky with his glasses askew. Underneath it was a picture of him on his broom; underneath that was the picture from the newspaper, carefully clipped: the four friends laughing, arms around each other's shoulders.

Among baby pictures and family portraits, which had obviously been donated by his parents, each of his school friends had carefully inserted a photograph of him- or herself. It was evident that many, many people had put a lot of effort into this gift.

"Everyone is happy for you, Prongs." That was Sirius. "You almost killed us worrying, you know."

James bit back a shuddering breath as he saw a photograph of himself in the hospital, lips blue and tubes running across his body. On the same page was a picture of Lily, smiling up at him.

"So you'll never forget I was part of your life," she explained quietly when he looked at her.

He kissed her.

"You'll always be part of my life, didn't you know?"

_The shadow is on the move  
__And maybe you should be moving too  
__Before it takes away all that you learned to love  
__It will defeat you then teach you to get back up_

'_cause you don't always have to hold your head  
__Higher than your heart_

Hope  
_Jack Johnson_

* * *

**Author's Note:** The end.

Well, there you go. I don't think there's much I can say now, except I'm very relieved this is over. I've had it written for a long time now, so I'm no longer experiencing post-writing depression, so to speak, but it's very nice to have it all typed up and out of the way.

There's something very satisfying about changing the status of a story to "Complete".

Please review. It would mean a lot to me.


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